Seraphical Dreams.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Music of the Moment: Radiohead- There There

Grievances.

And perhaps a somber one at the moment, but I need to remember some of the hard things I've been through for several reasons:

1. to respect my need to grieve

2. to acknowledge how strong I've been to get through them, and

3. to remember why I'm going to love myself enough to never put myself in those condition.

Grievances. Yes, it may seem petty, selfish, spoiled that I even write this at all...but I don't really think so. My motives are clear by the objectives that I laid out at the beginning of the post.

I guess it all just comes down to drugs. For the LIFE of me, I cannot figure out why people do them. Well, I can, but that's my empathic side that's put up with a lot of bullshit already in the past few months. Blah, blah, blah, existential shit, I'll get to that later. Kinda on lockdown right now until I get my priorities straight.

I mean. I wouldn't be so against the substance itself...if it didn't make people stupid. Like, people, really...some forms of inhibition are there so you don't make an ASS out of yourself. And the other fears...well, that's what we call bravery. And I don't care what any kind of suck up act you pull, bravery is simply an act of doing something even though you're scared shitless.

Trust me, I AM NOT without experience of drugs. I do not have personal experience of being intoxicated in any form (except painkillers after substantial injuries, but that's LEGALLY PRESCRIBED AND WARRANTED), but I have enough experience around people who have illicitly used drugs and alcohol to know that isn't my game.

A childhood in an Alcoholic family system is not Montessori school.
Having indecent comments and topics brought up by your mother's Neo-nazi boyfriend, while she's off in her own space case La-la land isn't Candyland.
Losing your boyfriend- a guy you thought to be the love of your life- to marijuana and finding out just what classification of lowlife the guy truly was...I can't even think of a witty metaphor for that one. Because it just PLAIN SUCKS.
The pit of depression you fell in for a good two to three months...almost four months after YOU broke it off with the bastard (Yes, YOU did all the work, YOU. He couldn't even get off of his lily ass to interpret his own emotional state) was not a ride in the amusement park.
Gaining back probably most of your weight because nature plus nurture had to give you the genetics for addiction, which manifests itself in an eating disorder is HELL. HELL, HELL, HELL.

Thus, I proclaim this day that

I will NEVER feel substandard for WILLFULLY CHOOSING NOT to consume alcohol in excess or do drugs.
(Instead, I can laugh as the people who will address me as such make douches out of themselves and take pictures they will post somewhere on the internet that may ruin their career in the future)
I will NEVER feel subservient:
- To a guy (unless willfully chosen- AHAHA, yes, I know, TMI) or feel the need to decipher and cater to my partner's emotional needs unneccessarily.
(Instead, I will find somebody who treasures me just as I am, and who shares similar interests with me, and will nurture a relationship in society as well as in private life. MUTUAL AFFECT, POWER, RECIPROCITY)

- I will not change myself for any man, woman, or social standard.
(Instead, I will turn to those that will know who I am, and love me for it no matter what)
I will CONSTANTLY strive to better myself; I shall always strive for a challenge.
(being ever aware that abusing myself and/or perfectionism is not the same thing)
I will NEVER have to go it alone. EVER again.
(I will pray to God every single day of my life from here on out)

So here I go again with the bravery act.

God, give me strength. Amen.

6:28 AM