I've decided to write an entry in this every day that I come on the computer. Even if it's just a scrap of text, I think this is really important for me.

I drew a picture today. That's a big thing.

A lot of things have been big things for me. Ever since I returned from the eating disorders clinic...Oh, heck, ever since going into it, a lot of things have been big for me.

And this is not to say that I am without my ED at the moment. Ed is still very close to me, I'm sad to say I still practice him actively. I haven't had a day of true abstinence in a while. Pray, right? I need to go to that group...I wish there were more around here.  He's a mean piggyback rider, and he pillow whisper to me at night. And I just wish it would stop. I just.


God. Life is a whole lot of damn work. Really. Sigh.

Anyway...uh...I guess what I was trying to say before I got all sidetracked was, that for a good part of my eating disorder, I lost who I really was. I never really did anything I liked, all I did was obsess.
But recently- although I have not been abstinance free- I have found a few things that give me joy. I will never be ashamed of them. Geek or not, it makes me happy.

-The Chronicles of Narnia (Note to self: Watch this whenever depressed or becoming hopeless. Aslan will always lighten your mood and remind you where your intentions should be)
-Grey's Anatomy
-Roleplaying online (Furcadia. Yeeeeah, make alll the jokes you want, but some of the rp on there is kick ass.)
-Drawing.

I'm resolved to pick up art again. That's something I deprived myself of far too much during my eating disorder. I like art. Art likes me. I'm gonna dump Ed, and hook up with Art.

Yay.

Labels: dump ed, hook up with art

• A childhood in an Alcoholic family system is not Montessori school.
  
• Having indecent comments and topics brought up by your mother's Neo-nazi boyfriend, while she's off in her own space case La-la land isn't Candyland.
  
• Losing your boyfriend- a guy you thought to be the love of your life- to marijuana and finding out just what classification of lowlife the guy truly was...I can't even think of a witty metaphor for that one. Because it just PLAIN SUCKS.
  
• The pit of depression you fell in for a good two to three months...almost four months after YOU broke it off with the bastard (Yes, YOU did all the work, YOU. He couldn't even get off of his lily ass to interpret his own emotional state) was not a ride in the amusement park.
  
• Gaining back probably most of your weight because nature plus nurture had to give you the genetics for addiction, which manifests itself in an eating disorder is HELL. HELL, HELL, HELL.

1. I will NEVER feel substandard for WILLFULLY CHOOSING NOT to consume alcohol in excess or do drugs.
   (Instead, I can laugh as the people who will address me as such make douches out of themselves and take pictures they will post somewhere on the internet that may ruin their career in the future)
2. I will NEVER feel subservient:
   -  To a guy (unless willfully chosen- AHAHA, yes, I know, TMI) or feel the need to decipher and cater to my partner's emotional needs unneccessarily.
   (Instead, I will find somebody who treasures me just as I am, and who shares similar interests with me, and will nurture a relationship in society as well as in private life. MUTUAL AFFECT, POWER, RECIPROCITY)
   
   - I will not change myself for any man, woman, or social standard.
   (Instead, I will turn to those that will know who I am, and love me for it no matter what)
   
3. I will CONSTANTLY strive to better myself; I shall always strive for a challenge.
   (being ever aware that abusing myself and/or perfectionism is not the same thing)
   
4. I will NEVER have to go it alone. EVER again.
   (I will pray to God every single day of my life from here on out)